From: Kalkor (kalkor@kalkor.com)
Date: Sat Apr 13 2002 - 19:03:01 MDT
I see myself in that article. But I'm not a virgin. I'd have to say I'm more
like the guy who posted in response below (mycroft VIII) who mentions
Avoidant Personality Disorder; ie I am 27, have been sexually active since
the age of 19 (8 years) and in that time have had 4 sexual partners
(excluding a one-nighter "consolation prize" from a good friend, but I
digress). Each of these relationships have been very slow to build to
intimacy, and very slow to dissolve or peter off.
"Before you can love, you must love yourself" they say... and that has
always been a big problem for me. As mycroft said, "I thought I had social
phobia, or was suffering from and eternal case of 'nice guy, but...' or who
knew what " And what the DSM III has to say about it:
F60.6 Anxious (Avoidant) Personality Disorder Personality disorder
characterized by at least 3 of the following:
(a) persistent and pervasive feelings of tension and apprehension;
(b) belief that one is socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior
to others;
(c) excessive preoccupation with being criticized or rejected in social
situations;
(d) unwillingness to become involved with people unless certain of being
liked;
(e) restrictions in lifestyle because of need to have physical security;
(f) avoidance of social or occupational activities that involve significant
interpersonal contact because of fear of criticism, disapproval, or
rejection.
Associated features may include hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism.
Maybe I'm just too picky? I prefer to think that. The ones I've "gotten"
have all been WELL worth the wait.
I agree with Steve Parrott: go out and BUY SOME. The less importance you
attribute to the act of sexual congress, the less anxiety it will cause you.
I hope. Once you've done it a couple times, you'll find that maybe it's not
as much as it's been hyped up to be, and that you have far more fun spending
an evening on the town with a woman that spending an hour in the sack with
her.
Try this too: are you a good roll player? Actor? Go out some night, and
"strap on", as it were, the role of a gigolo. Think to yourself "I could
have any woman in this room I wanted anytime. I do not want any of them. But
I will flirt outrageously!". Repeat this to yourself as a mantra. Be aloof
and solitary, but make intimate eye contact. SMILE AT EVERYONE, genuinely.
Make it a point to give every woman you come within 10 feet of a personal,
physical compliment, however brash or brazen it is. Stare them in the eye
when you say it, and then give a knowing smile and head off somewhere else.
Whatch their reaction: you'll find they blush, stammer or look away.
Could that be because they have as much social anxiety as you? Remember, in
our society it is the role of the MALE to approach and pursue the female.
They (females) have NO IDEA how to do it, and by the same token, they have
NO IDEA how hard it is! Some of them, a LOT of them, are thinking to
themselves, "I wish it was traditionally the woman's role to approach and
pursue! Because, I see all these interesting men, and NONE of them are
coming near me! I wish I wasn't so shy. I wish I could just go up to them
and strike a conversation. Is there something wrong with me, that they don't
find me attractive or interesting enough to want to approach or pursue?" I
know a dozen beautiful women who are so attractive that NO ONE comes near
them, they think they're out of their league. They end up with just about
any guy who has the balls to look them in the eye and smile, and they end up
with some pretty damn poor specimens. Perspective.
I never learned how the game is played. I am a blunt, honest person with my
feelings on the surface. But I have been learning, recently, how to flirt.
How to make it seem to them like it really doesn't mean all that much to me
after all. And it helps. A lot. If you have a goal and your current methods
are not working, then you need to change them. Or not achieve your goal.
Kalkor
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