From: Archibald Scatflinger (TransdimensionalElf@hawaii.rr.com)
Date: Sat Sep 14 2002 - 21:28:38 MDT
----- Original Message -----
From: "Maurizio Mariotti" <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
To: <CYBERMIND@LISTSERV.AOL.COM>
Sent: Saturday, September 14, 2002 5:39 AM
Subject: Weakly Politics
> .
>
>
> Weakly Politics, a FREE Newsletter by Pauly and Maury, known to many as
> "The men we do not know."
>
>
> POLITICS
>
>
> President Dismisses Rumors Of Policy Friction Between
> Himself And Secretary Of State Colin Powell
>
> For Immediate Release
> Office of the Press Secretary
> September 6, 2002 - 2:51 P.M. (EST)
>
> THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. It has come to my attention that you
> press boys have been doodling in your little pads that there's friction
> among White House staffers over my plans to give Saddam Hussein a
> patriot missile enema for making my daddy look like a sissy. Well
> that's a load of bull. My administration is a well-oiled machine and we
> don't disagree about anything.
>
> I mean, what's to disagree about? Everything's already planned out by
> GM, Big Oil, the WTO, and the Illuminati and Jesus and all those swell
> guys from years and years ago -back before I even sobered up! Hell -
> Condi and I just spend most of the day playing Jenga.
>
> But let's make pretend for a minute there was some friction. It's
> hypothetical. By that I mean, it could be true, it could not. Now that
> we're only pretending, let me be frank and talk on the record about a
> certain member of my administration, who will remain nameless - let's
> call him "Colin Powell" - and who is a real cactus in my crotch. And I
> want you fruits from the Jew York Slime to mention my frankitude. Even
> if it's hypothetical.
>
> This individual obviously wants to let the damn terrorists win. Why
> else would he totally question Mr. Cheney's vision for a future where
> the rich live luxurious lives of ease and comfort in lunar pod cities
> and are doted on by third world mutants while post-apocalyptic Earth
> burns? Sometimes I think my daddy should have left Colin where he
> found him - playing Banjo in a Honky Tonk bar in Georgia.
>
> You know, I went out of my way to surround myself with kiss-ass suck-
> ups who know their place. So can somebody please tell me how I got
> this UN-humping, flag-burning policy nerd who leaks information about
> my plans to nuke the Irazis? I mean, everyone loves my plan - from
> Lady-Brows Gephardt to Helmet-Head Lott. Lockheed Martin, Smith &
> Wesson, ExxonMobil, Starbucks, and the entire city of Houston love my
> plan.
>
> Everybody but Colin! What the hell does he know about war? Every time
> he leaks information I've got to move all my cannons and horses and
> army men around my RISK board again. It's driving me crazy. That
> protesting darkie leaks worse than the presidential scepter back when I
> caught the clap from "Miss Midland 1968."
>
> Of course, I'm merely rhetoricalizing my hypothetical, which is now
> over.
>
> So to recap reality: everything is hunky dory. In a pretend world,
> maybe "issues" are "discussed" using "reason" and then beaten to death
> like a dead horse. But here in reality, no one questions nothing
> because if they did, the terrorists would win. The truth is Colin will
> always be my favorite boy.
>
> That is all. Thank you and any of you freaks ask me question ONE, and
> I'll have you audited before you can say "Tim Russert Is My Daddy".
>
> Thank you.
>
>
> **************
>
> Complete Transcript Of President Bush's Candid, No Holds-Barred
> Interview With "60 Minutes II"
>
> For Immediate Release: Office of the Press Secretary
> September 12, 2002 - 8:01 A.M. (EST)
>
> President Bush sits down for a candid, no holds-barred interview with
> CBS News "60 Minutes II" correspondent Scott Pelley. In this frank and
> riveting exchange, Mr. Bush responds with blunt sincerity, answering
> each of Mr. Pelley's annoying questions with directness uncommon to a
> politician.
>
> Pelley: Thank you Mr. President for allowing CBS this opportunity to
> promote and package you in a manner vetted and approved by your many
> handlers, sir.
>
> Bush: I am willing to do anything to get across to the American people
> that this administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq,
> Snotty-Scotty.
>
> Pelley: I noticed that today, during the many televised events to
> commemorate the tremendous incompetence of the CIA and FBI one year
> ago, you and Mrs. Bush were in full make-up and on camera most of the
> day. Why didn't your lovely daughters join you? Wouldn't that have
> promoted an idea of family values and the poignancy of a family
> grieving together?
>
> Bush: Well, yeah, let me tell you, it's easier to ride an epileptic
> bronco than get Jenna and Babs to do something when they're coming down
> off a bender, Scotty-boy.
>
> Pelley: Let's turn to the morning of September 11, 2001. You were at
> Emma E. Booker Elementary School reading to children. After you were
> told that a second plane had slammed into the World Trade Center
> towers, as the leader of the American people, what was the first thing
> that went through your mind?
>
> Bush: That that story I was reading about that little goat fellow was
> sure as shootin' better than any other book I've ever read! I thought
> I was just going to waste the morning on a stupid photo-op, but, man-o-
> man, I was really into the story, Scotto.
>
> Pelley: Instead of immediately calling a meeting with advisors and the
> FAA, you read a story about a goat to schoolchildren for 20 minutes.
> During these 20 minutes, couldn't you have been doing something about
> the planes headed to Washington?
>
> Bush: You're not listening to me, son. This was a really surprising
> little goat. I was really into the story. Fortunately, I had plenty
> of time to finish it while I was high-tailing it around the country
> until I decided - by myself and with patriotic courage - to finally go
> back to Washington.
>
> Pelley: But isn't it true that your father called Air Force One and
> said, "Don't put me through. Just tell George to get his butt back to
> Washington"?
>
> Bush: Ah, this administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.
>
>
> Pelley: Didn't you initially promise America that you were going to
> "git" Osama Bin Laden to avenge September 11?
>
> Bush: This administration has always been committed to a regime change
> in Iraq.
>
> Pelley: And hasn't the American military and intelligence community,
> given a year to do that, failed miserably in this stated goal?
>
> Bush: This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.
>
> Pelley: So, instead of admitting defeat or incompetence, you have
> simply chosen a target you can actually find without any regard for
> culpability?
>
> Bush: This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.
>
> Pelley: And isn't this simply a very cynical ploy to get the American
> public's mind off of the economy, which this administration has also
> bungled terribly?
>
> Bush: This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.
>
> Pelley: And isn't this sudden interest in invading Iraq just a bloody
> distraction from stock market swindles that have undermined the stock
> market and from which both you and Mr. Cheney have made millions?
>
> Bush: This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.
>
> Pelley: And isn't your stated willingness to consult with Congress and
> allies really just a charade, since it is clear that the Administration
> doesn't care what anyone else thinks - and, indeed, won't actually
> listen to anyone else - but is simply waiting for opinion polls to
> change to make it safe to invade Iraq so that this Administration can
> pretend it accomplished anything in response to the attacks of
> September 11?
>
> Bush: This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.
>
> Pelley: Many of your father's advisors are claiming that an attack on
> Iraq is not warranted. What is it that they don't understand, but you
> do?
>
> Bush: This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.
>
> Pelley: Isn't this proposed attack on Iraq more about avenging your
> father's mistake in listening to Colin Powell and not moving on to
> Baghdad when he had the chance?
>
> Bush: Well, you better believe nobody is listening to that high-
> yellow, yellow-bellied coward around here anymore, Potty-Scotty. Hee-
> hee.
>
> Pelley: What if an invasion of Iraq does nothing to lessen terror, but
> throws the Middle East into a bloody world war?
>
> Bush: This administration is committed to a regime change in Iraq.
>
> (c) Chickehead Productions
>
> ---------
>
> Happy Birthday H.L.!
>
> A mini-chrestomathy
>
> H. L. Mencken, born September 12, 1880, coined the term "booboisie" for
> the self-satisfied but largely ignorant middle class. He also found
> fault with many other aspects of life in these United States. Mencken
> died in 1956 -at the height of the 50s "Red Scare." Some quotes in
> honor of his birth anniversary. Note the last one in particular. I'm
> sure H.L.(were he still alive) would be able to continue his list of
> "monsters" right on into the 21st Century.
>
>
> Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and
> deserve to get it good and hard.
>
> Democracy is... government by orgy, almost byorgasm. Its processes are
> most beautifully displayed at times when they stand most naked-- for
> example, in war days.
>
> If x is the population of the United States, and y is the degree of
> imbecility in the average American, then democracy is the theory that x
> X y is less than y
>
>
> Democracy and free speech are not facets of one gem; democracy and free
> speech are eternal enemies.
>
> The whole history of the country has been a history of melodramatic
> pursuits of horrendous monsters, most of them imaginary: the red-coats,
> the Hessians, the monocrats, again the red-coats, the Bank, the
> Catholic, Simon Legree, the slave power, Jeff Davis, Mormonism, Wall
> Street, the rum demon, John Bull, the hell hounds of plutocracy, the
> trusts, ... Pancho Villa, German spies, hypenates, the Kaiser,
> Bolshevism. The list might be lengthened indefinitely: a complete
> chronicle of the republic could be written in terms of it, without
> omitting a single important episode.
>
> -------------
>
> WEAKLY ANNOUNCEMENT
>
>
> Attention Citizens, Consumers, Children, Church-goers, and Evil Doers:
>
>
> For your own protection, the Justice Department is suspending the
> following policies throughought the duration of the War on
> Terrorism(tm): Habeas Corpus, Casual Fridays, ShopRite's Red Dot
> Special, Freedom of Association, calico cats, domestic banking and
> finance regulations, the Seventh Inning Stretch, RU-486, and the 5-day
> handgun waiting period.
>
> The following practices will be strictly monitored and curtailed on a
> case-by-case basis: Taking the Lord's name in vain, Voting While Black
> in Florida, Coveting nude statuary in official government buildings,
> and expecting administration officials to respond to your petty belly-
> aching and mincing about like that pansy, Tom Daschle.
>
> Thank you in advance for your utter and total capit... cooperation. The
> president thanks you, the First Lady thanks you, and His Excellency,
> Richard Cheney-- Vice President and Protector of the United States and
> all Dependent Territories-- grunts and tilts his head in your general
> direction, indicating his approval.
>
> Signed,
> John Ashcroft,
> Attorney Genital of the United States
>
> -----------
>
> PAULY'S RANT
>
> Tom Ridge, when he accepted the post of homeland security czar, said:
>
> "Liberty is the most precious gift we offer our citizens."
>
> Sorry Tom, I don't accept your "gift of liberty"... I already own it!
>
> You see, it's a birthright earned by many Americans before me...
> including my father in WW2 and HIS father in WW1. My father shed his
> blood, and dear ol' grandad sucked in a lungful of mustard gas, all for
> an equal partnership share for the rest of us.
>
> It's not something YOU may offer us, it's something we already own.
> INALIENABLE rights, damn you all, they're INALIENABLE!!!
>
> -----------
>
> QUOTE OF THE WEAK
>
> Congress' failure to defend its powers, and the courts' unwillingness
> to enforce Congress' powers, don't change the words and meaning of the
> Constitution. "We can get away with it" is hardly a strong argument,
> whether used by an aspiring Supreme Court justice or by his boss, who
> took a sacred oath to defend the Constitution.
>
> (c) San Francisco Chronicle
>
> ------------
>
> WEAKLY INTERNATIONAL
>
> Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abd al-Aziz Saud Speaks Out
>
> Hi. How's your car running? Getting good mileage, I hope. Don't skimp
> on the octane. By the way, I represent a country that supplies more
> than 20% of your oil. And we do so gladly, for you are our friends, and
> you will always be our friends. Which brings me to my next point. There
> are many voices being raised saying we support these terrible people
> who do bad things to you.
>
> These voices are loud and, frankly, annoying. In our country, when
> people speak thusly, we cut out their vocal cords. Which brings me to
> my final point. You shouldn't jump to conclusions about us. Remember,
> four of the nineteen hijackers on Sept.11 were NOT from Saudi Arabia.
> That's about the same percentage as the oil we supply you. So think
> about that the next time you hit the accelerator and pass that slow-
> moving camel.
>
> (c) Ironic Times
>
> ------------
>
> WEAKLY JOKE
>
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