From: Walter Watts (wlwatts@cox.net)
Date: Fri Apr 30 2004 - 12:02:46 MDT
WELLOFT® Tablets
DESCRIPTION
WELLOFT is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) for oral administration, chemically unrelated to other SSRIs, tetracydic, tricycic, or other antidepressant agents.
CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGY
Pharmacodynamics
WELLOFT's exact mechanism of action is not well understood; however, this is not of great concern to us, so long as the FDA has approved WELLOFT and physicians are willing to prescribe it.
Metabolism: WELLOFT is extensively metabolized in the liver.
Liver Disease: As might be predicted given its primary site of metabolism, liver impairment can affect the elimination of WELLOFT. The use of WELLOFT in patients with liver disease must be approached with caution. If WELLOFT is administered to patients with liver disease, a lower than usual dosage should be considered, although as far as we are concerned how low or high the dosage prescribed is of little consequence considering that, whether physicians select a big pill or a small pill for their patients, we still make so much money off of each one that all of our employees are assured lucrative stock options, not to mention a generous retirement plan (with full prescription plan and no deductible or copays). [For information regarding potential employment with the makers of WELLOFT, contact the Human Resources Department at info.hr@WELLOFT.com
Clinical Trials
Depression: The efficacy of WELLOFT as the treatment for depression
(yes, we know that, technically, we should say "a treatment for depression," but we believe that the other antidepressant drugs on the market are crap, and that WELLOFT is the one, true, magic bullet against the patient's depression as well as our sagging corporate earnings) was established in a three-week controlled study of outpatients whose diagnoses corresponded closely to the DSM-I V's category of major depressive disorder. PRECAUTIONS
General: Activation of Depression: In a separate controlled trial of pricing of prescriptions and its impact on presenting symptomatology a number of subjects exhibited increased depression when faced with their pharmacy bill for WELLOFT. Actually, we do not see this as a significant problem since, if the patient has a private insurance plan or Medicaid, someone other than the patient will be picking up the bilL And, if the patient does not have such coverage, hey - there's always Canada.
Weight Gain: A sizable number of patients prescribed WELLOFT evidenced noteworthy weight gain. Therefore, the makers of WELLOFT are currently conducting clinic trials to see whether WELLOFT may prove to be an effective treatment for those suffering from Anorexia.
Interference with Cognitive and Motor Performance: Patients in the controlled study reported no difficulty operating heavy machinery, particularly farm equipment. We're not really surprised, given that all patients in the study were drawn from urban centers of the U.S. and none actually operated farm equipment.
Information for Patients
Physicians are advised to provide the following information verbatim to patients for whom they prescribe WELLOFT:
When using any antidepressant, it is important to keep to the regimen. You have been prescribed WELLOFT, the very best antidepressant that the field of medicine has to offer. Make sure to take the amount of WELLOFT prescribed for daily usage every single day without fail. You should take WELLOFT day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year. However, there will come a time when the patent for WELLOFT will expire and cheap generic knockoffs will come onto the market that are of questionable potency and safety. Your insurance carrier will require you to switch from your high-quality WELLOFT antidepressant to a generic form that, frankly, could make you really, really sick. Fortunately, just around the time that the WELLOFT patent expires, the makers of WELLOFT will have just released a new, super-antidepressant medication, and you can expect your physician to upgrade you to this improved drug.
If, while taking WELLOFT, you should experience ANY side effects or unpleasant sensations, DO NOT STOP TAKING THE MEDICATION. Instead, call your physician's office, between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm, Monday through Friday, and make an appointment to be seen. Usually, your physician will be able to squeeze you in within two or three weeks.
Use of alcohol with WELLOFT, as with any antidepressant, should be avoided. Maybe you could get away with a small glass of Sangria every now and then, but anything more would be pushing it. Definitely avoid hard liquor, unless you have good term life insurance.
ADVERSE REACTIONS
During clinical trials of WELLOFT, multiple doses were administered to approximately 3281 subjects. Untoward events associated with WELLOFT use were reported by a number of subjects in their own words, and investigators grouped these subjective descriptors into a number of meaningful categories for table presentation (see Table 1).
Table 1
Most Common Untoward Events Associated With WELLOFT Usage
During Clinical Trials
Untoward Event Frequency*
(N=3281)
Agitation 45
Anxiety 78
Death 67
Depression 3080
Diarrhea 213
Dizziness 339
Dry Mouth 117
Ejaculation Failure 1540
Fatigue 221
Table 1 (continued)
Most Common Untoward Events Associated With WELLOFT Usage
During Clinical Trials
Untoward Event Frequency*
(N=3281)
Headache 37
Insomnia 315
Nausea 98
Nervousness 223
Tremor 20
Vomiting 67
*Some patients across categories, except for those with the untoward event listed third in this table, reported multiple untoward events, therefore the total frequency of untoward events reported exceeds the N of 3281.
Discussion
The above-referenced untoward events are not perceived as particularly troublesome, considering that there are other medications out there that can be prescribed to treat all but one of them.
DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION
Usual Dosage for Adults: WELLOFT should be administered at a dose of 20 mg once daily. Typically, the therapeutic effects of antidepressants take a minimum of 3 to 4 weeks to be felt. The clinical picture for WELLOFT is more variable, with some patients reporting that positive outcome from WELLOFT was not experienced for several months or years.
HOW SUPPLIED
10 mg and 100 mg tablets Typical dosage of WELLOFT is 20 mg once per day. The makers of WELLOFT have chosen a radical marketing strategy for their product: charging the same price for each pill, regardless of mg dosage. We have poured millions of dollars into focus groups, and participants have told us that this one-price-fits-all-prescribed-pill-size tactic enhances our image as a pharmaceutical company that is progressive, consumer-oriented, and willing to buck the system. Actually, this pricing strategy was undertaken to make our stockholders happy. Considering that the majority of WELLOFT prescriptions are written for 20 mg once per day, the average WELLOFT customer then requires two 10-mg pills. Of course, we are well aware that there will always be some unsavory characters - senior citizens, for example - who will try to deprive pharmaceutical companies of their just profits by attempting to manipulate the system. Sure, some patients may buy pill splitters in order to create multiple smaller dosages fr
om a larger-dose pill. And that may work if you are trying to split a 20-mg pill in half, but try cutting a 100-mg tablet into 5
20-mg ones. By the way, WELLOFT tablets are manufactured with a hard, M&M-like coating, making them just that much more difficult to split
(while making it that much easier for our stock to split).
- Glenn Ellenbogen, Ph.D.
Acknowledgement: Thanks to my wife, ilene Ellenbogen, who helped me to come up with the basic idea for this spoof of Wellbutrin®, Zoloft®, pharmaceutical companies, and the Physicians' Desk Reference, and provided me with valuable input during the final editing of the piece. Journal of Polymorphous Perversity 23
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